love like rain

Turning from sin

2012-01-13T15:15:00.005-05:00

Over the past few years I have encountered more than a few people who have their own interpretation of the Bible, or even their own beliefs that come from bits and pieces of different religions. I've always thought that to be quite odd. I mean, you can't believe half of something. Like for the Bible for example, you can't just pick and choose which parts of it you think is suitable for your lifestyle and forget the rest. That is NOT the Bible. The Bible is a full and whole entity.

I know as young people, we all want to enjoy life and have fun and live it up. But you can do all that in the right way. Getting drunk, partying, smoking, having sex before marriage, all of those things sure have their thrill but they will get you no where. Fun is not limited to those things. I promise you there is much more fulfillment living for God. In Ecclesiastes 12:1 it says, "Don’t let the excitement of youth cause you to forget your Creator." There is freedom in Christ. There is love, joy, peace, and happiness in CHRIST. This world has nothing for you, for whatever you acquire on this earth will be taken away from you when you die. Everything is meaningless! All but God! If you choose God, you choose eternal LIFE. Whatever you do on earth for God, you will be rewarded for it in heaven.

And do you think that just because you may not believe in what the Bible teaches that you will be excused for your sins? No, you won't. Whether you believe in Him or not, you will be judged for the life you lived. It even says that in the Bible - "What makes us think that we can escape if we are indifferent to this great salvation that was announced by the Lord Jesus himself?" - Hebrews 2:3

There is so much being swept under the rug these days in churches. Maybe some people just don't want to be too tough on their congregations for fear of offending and losing head count that they don't even address these things anymore. Even parents with their children are failing more and more to correct their kids. But that is not right. We can't let people believe they are living right when they are not! You can't associate with bad crowds of friends, you can not swear, get drunk, have sex before marriage, talk bad about other people, be mean, or mock God! And you know, even listening to music and TV shows full of that stuff is wrong!

And if you love them, you must let them know that they have it wrong. How else will they know? "Preach the word of God. Be prepared, whether the time is favorable or not. Patiently correct, rebuke, and encourage your people with good teaching." -2 Timothy 4:2

When I was young I used to think my parents were exaggerating and just being super religious when they didn't let me do/watch/listen/participate in certain things. But I realize now that they were right all along! Look here, in 1 peter 2:11 it says "So I warn you to keep away from evil desires because they fight against your very souls!" When we sin, it affects our spirit. Ever notice how when you first start doing something wrong, you feel guilty but after doing it a few times the guilt you feel is less and less until you feel the guilt no more. That doesn't mean you have no reason to feel guilty anymore. It means the conviction of the Holy Spirit has left you, which means that God has left you to your sinful desires. "So God abandoned them to do whatever shameful things their hearts desired." -Romans 1:24

"For a time is coming when people will no longer listen to sound and wholesome teaching. They will follow their own desires and will look for teachers who will tell them whatever their itching ears want to hear." - 2 Timothy 4:3

We all need to spend time with God so that we can KNOW his heart, know his word, and have a relationship with Him. When you know Him, you can discern what is from God and what is a lie from the enemy. You will accept the Bible as a whole, because it is good and true.

Don't become so desensitized that you feel no remorse when you sin. Even if you feel no guilt now, you will know in your heart that it is wrong. Everyone recognizes good and evil, right and wrong. And if you sin and feel nothing, I will tell you that that is a bad place to be. I hope and pray that Christians whom have backslid will turn back to God, and people who don't know God will turn to Him.

"So get rid of all the filth and evil in your lives, and humbly accept the word God has planted in your hearts, for it has the power to save your souls." - James 1:21

potential

2012-01-09T19:52:00.001-05:00

I never wanted you to feel alone, or unloved, or unwanted… It has always made me sad to think that you believe these things about yourself. I see you so much better than you see yourself. I see so much potential in you. Potential that you could fulfill if only you chose to believe me when I tell you you’re worth it. You deserve goodness, and love, and loyalty. I know happiness seems like a distant memory to you, but you could have it back. You simply must choose it.

God's great love

2011-12-26T14:13:00.003-05:00

There is something you must know. God loves you. He loves you so much. More than anyone you know can ever love you. And He loves you as you are right now. Your insecurities are irrelevant. There is no condition on His love. Whether you’re overweight or underweight, sick, handicapped, or healthy, successful or unsuccessful, a loner or popular, have a high or low IQ, whether you’re average looking or attractive… He loves you 100%.

There is NOTHING you can do to make him love you more or less. He loves you completely and fully right now, as you are. And the truth is all He wants is for you to let Him love you. It hurts God when you reject Him, not because he needs you, but because He knows how much you need Him and His unending, unfailing, unconditional love.

He is waiting, and he’ll wait until the day you die. There is always hope. No one is hopeless. No body. No matter what you’ve done. To God, everything is forgivable, and everyone is loveable. Choose Him and know that He has already chosen you.

bright as gold

2011-12-22T00:03:00.001-05:00

My beloved friend John Gold is such a wonderful person. We have a very close friendship even though we don't talk very often and we've only met once when he came to visit for 2 weeks...

Anyway, every time we talk, it's deep and good and I love it. I spoke to him tonight, and it was amazing as usual because speaking to him reminds me of how similar we are, and how much trust and love we have for each other. I really feel that all the love and compliments I give out, God gives back to me through John. This is what he said to me tonight..

"I love you Gemma. If I had the chance to live life over from scratch. I'd make sure to do everything I could for you because you are really and truly sweet tender hearted and kind and don't let anyone tell you you aren't good enough for anything. You're so much better of a person than I ever will be. You deserve whatever it is you want from this life, but I would suppose that you only want to give like I do and what a splended gift in itself you are to mankind."

You say you're a Christian?

2011-12-21T01:51:00.005-05:00

If you say you're a Christian and live your life the same way you did before you became a Christian, then you're heart is not in it, and how can you say you're a Christian if you live like you don't even know God?

Knowing God means desiring a relationship with him, and maintaining that relationship. It means refraining from participating in anything that takes you away from Him. It means loving Him for real. Not just believing in His existence.

And for me, being aware of what's going on it the world, all the evil people and corrupt governments, I believe we should be telling people about God more than we ever have before, and opening their eyes to what is happening in the world.

Bringing awareness to people does not mean subjecting them to living in fear. Being aware does not mean being in fear. I know God and I know He is on my side, therefore I have no reason to fear...and that's the same for everyone else who knows Him. But I do fear and worry for those who do not know God, and that is where my passion to bring awareness comes from.

I really cannot stress the importance of all this enough. If you love people, how can you keep this to yourself?! I could never understand that. Like the Hillsongs United song says, "Tell the world that Jesus lives!"

love, care, pray

2011-12-13T23:22:00.006-05:00

There's going to be some people you meet in your life that you have an inexplicable burden for. A soft, gentle, but intense, and unrelenting compassion. You'll do anything for them, be anything they need. You will be the best support system they've ever had, their biggest fan, and the best friend they've ever known... but for some reason you find that they are non-responsive.

I've known many people like this. I've felt this way about various people. I've been that person to care, multiple times. And after a while I've started to realize that, you can care for them and love them so much but at some point if they continue to push you away... let them. Let them go, let them live. But never stop loving them. Never stop praying for them. Care from a distance, because maybe that's exactly what they need.

No prayer is in vain. God hears everything. And God wants to help your friend even more than you do... so He will. And it's not up to you or to God to make your friend accept His help. All you can do is love and care and pray.

research

2011-11-20T12:58:00.001-05:00

I encourage people to educate themselves on what's going on in the world. Research before forming an opinion. Do not assume anything. Don't believe something just because everyone else does. Or don't overlook something just because everyone else does. Pay attention to what you're listening to and what you're watching. You never know what or who you're supporting until you look deeper into the hidden meanings of their work.

let me love

2011-11-20T00:00:00.005-05:00

I don't need you to tell me to be careful, I don't want you to warn me that you may hurt me, I didn't ask you to make decisions for me. Just let me love you and be assured that it doesn't hurt me to love you.

opinions

2011-11-08T02:02:00.002-05:00

It's not with everybody that I become an open book. I like to choose wisely with whom I share my deepest thoughts and feelings and opinions. I don't believe it necessary that everyone know who I am and what I think.

truth

2011-10-17T03:07:00.000-04:00

If we all search for truth and find it, then in the end we should all believe the same thing, for there is only one Truth.

secrets

2011-10-10T23:15:00.001-04:00

I like how from the first time I spoke to you, like really spoke to you, I trusted you instantly. There was no need to convince myself, and definitely no reasons to doubt you. I just felt empathy radiating from your very core and I knew that you'd keep my secrets safe and that you knew I'd do the same with yours.

courage

2011-10-10T01:06:00.003-04:00

when will i find my inner courage?
within myself i know it exists, it must
is it because i am not ready, that i cannot pluck it up?
or am i just too weak?
will i ever find it in me?
i know i must try, no matter what
at least i must try
to be who i need to be, requires courage
so i will find it, somehow

thoughts

2011-08-03T01:26:00.000-04:00

It’s interesting how people really think I know nothing of anything. They think that I am naive and dumb. Do they never stop to think that perhaps I don’t mind them thinking I know nothing simply because I do and I see no use in having to prove myself to anyone?

yours

2011-07-26T21:52:00.004-04:00

i was yours forever. absolutely. no doubt.
but i realized that even when you said you were,
you were never mine.

togetherness

2011-06-22T02:48:00.000-04:00

We should tell people when we think good things about them. If someone strikes you as incredibly kind, tell them. If their beauty leaves it's mark on you, speak up and share that with them. People deserve to know that they're noticed. They need to know they're worth our attention, and that simply as they are, they manage to make us smile. We should be building each other up. The world needs people who look out for each other.

flicker

2011-06-03T00:24:00.002-04:00

there are still times when my mind flickers memories of you in my head, replaying them in my thoughts which results with my heart lingering on you for a while. in nostalgic longing, i miss you. it's still hard. you're not the type of person that is easy to let go of. you've always been too special.

story

2011-04-23T22:34:00.003-04:00

oh, what a beautiful love story we are
like a perfectly written romance novel
thought up by the most eloquent writer
i know how this story goes
i've read it time and time before

you are loved

2011-04-02T16:00:00.006-04:00

listen and listen closely, there will never be a time
where i won't care anymore or stop trying for you
how many times, my dear, must i remind you
this love is the kind that never goes away, the real kind
you are forever stuck with my love poured onto you
you will always be the subject of my concern
if i could stop, then it could never have been love

my promise, to you, forever:
you are loved

bond

2011-03-05T00:43:00.006-05:00

God changed my life, and He changed me using you. Despite the circumstances of your own life, He still chose you to help someone else. Do you see that? That's potential. You are a sinner, and you are struggling, but you are also helping and inspiring.

I am growing so fond of you. You are a precious soul, with a tender loving heart. I am so thankful to God for this bond we have built. Both of us in dark places, yours a blacker dark, but still, he brought us together because it's what we needed. We help each other. Our friendship was meant to happen. We were meant to stumble upon each other. God knew you needed a friend and he knew I needed inspiration and blunt truth. He gave that to me in you, and he gave me to you.

Isn't it incredible, how God matches people up so perfectly? Certain characters with others, personalities that are not the same yet they compliment each other.

We are a work of God's art. And because he brought us together, I will never leave you. I care for you and it pains me to know your current hardship. I have this urge, a need to help you... I wish I could save you, but I'm only human, and this problem is way bigger than me. But I promise I will pray, for nothing is too big for God.

compassion

2011-03-04T15:27:00.003-05:00

“You have no idea what I’ve been through” is what he said to her when she asked what was wrong. She tenderly replied to him “no, I don’t but not because I don’t want to, it’s because you never told me.” He looked down and said almost to himself “it’s fine. I’ll be fine. I’m okay.” and she looked into his desperate eyes and said “no, you’re not. But that’s okay and when you’re with me you don’t have to pretend to be.” When he heard her say this, he was so overwhelmed that he put his head down between his legs and began to weep. She walked over to him sitting on the couch and said “I’m here. I will never judge you. Not for anything. Nothing you say or do can make me love you less. I want to know what’s going through your mind. I want to know everything. Tell me.” and she held him in her arms and he confessed, “you’re the first person who ever cared for me like this” and she proceeded to remind him “no I’m not, God was” and all three of them cried together.

Christian Leaders

2011-03-02T13:53:00.002-05:00

Christians are not perfect. They go through the same temptations as anyone else, and sometimes, they will give in. But when they do, they are not more wrong in giving in than anyone else is. There is only one level of wrong. There’s no greater sin. People think just because you are in a position of leadership, you must be perfect and if you make a mistake, they have the right to condemn you.

Yeah, sometimes it’s disappointing to see a great leader fall, but it’s even more encouraging to watch them pick themselves up and ask for forgiveness and move forward, helping others more than they ever did before because it’s in those moments, where you realize, yes, they are put on a pedestal, but they are just like us. Human. Imperfect. Striving to live the right way for God.

agape

2011-02-28T01:45:00.002-05:00

It's really an indescribable feeling, this feeling of agape love. I am craving more from Him. My entire mind, body, soul and spirit is yearning for Him and everything that relates to Him. He is my missing link. All I need is Him. I have learned so much, so so much in the past week. Just one week! God has given me incredible revelations about Himself and about me.

All I know is I will never let this feeling end. My soul hungers for His word. This is true love. Amazing love. I am so in love with Him. I finally understand the urgency in which I must tell others about my relationship with Jesus, and let them know that they can have the same thing.

I am so full of happiness, love, and gratitude. I know this post is a big mess of declarations of my love, but like I said, it's indescribable... it's too amazing to write into words. All I know is my soul is on fire, I feel so alive in Him.

relationships

2011-02-20T01:03:00.007-05:00

God has really been setting me straight these past few months. I've realized so many things He has been trying to teach me. He has clearly had a theme for all the lessons He has taught me lately. That theme was relationships.

Lately, I have been stripped of some relationships. It happened that a few people were removed from my life. I am not talking about one relationship. I'm talking about being hit in every direction. From within my family, to friends, to love interests, and to my self.

Basically, every person I have ever put on a pedestal, God has straight out knocked them off. Not because they weren't right for me, or what they represented was wrong, because that's not the case. I have realized that I trusted in all those different people for guidance. I went to them for advice, I put my faith in them and the only problem with that was that they were not God. We all know God is a jealous God and I was trusting in those people to give me direction, instead of seeking God's help. I neglected to put my faith in Him. Instead, I put it in people.

As hard as this new year has been, I realize the point. God knew the only way to make me realize I need Him and no other, was to allow these certain situations to happen so that He would be able to reveal the truth of what I have been doing to Him, which was neglecting him. It cost me hardships with people I love. Yes, mistakes have been made in the process, I have hurt people, and I was hurt. But we got through it, and everything turned out civil and well. And I now understand that it was all for a greater purpose. After a storm, there's always a rainbow.

My rainbow was the realization of how much my God longs for my full attention, my complete trust in Him and only Him. He wants to be my everything. My comforter, my friend, my provider, my mentor. That complete love and comfort I've been looking for in so many different people, the only reason I never found it was because only God could give it to me.

last memory

2011-01-05T20:09:00.005-05:00

i recognized your concern when you asked about my mother. and how it has effected me. i knew you wanted to be there for me... i tried to do what i always did with everyone else, assure you it's okay, that i'm completely fine. but my inability to look you in the eye gave me away. you knew i needed you but would never ask. the truth is, ever since i found out all i could think about is how i just wanted to cry as you enveloped me in your arms. i dreamed of being able to let it out and have you comfort me with your embrace. and when i finally did, i saw the look of sadness in your eyes, and you know what? i'd bet they mirrored mine. it made me feel all right, because i knew you cared for me and anyone else i loved.

kind heart

2010-12-28T14:25:00.004-05:00

and sometimes you do little things
kind things for no good reason
it makes me love you even more
and i keep thinking it's impossible
to feel more affection for you
but every time you do something nice
i love you more

light

2010-12-21T00:51:00.003-05:00

sometimes it's just so hard to have faith in anyone, even myself. it's hard to keep trying when i see no results. i am glad that i at least have not lost faith in God. i do believe that everything will work out in the end, but it is the present time that i struggle with. how do i deal with what's happening now? it's in our nature to doubt the good and expect to worst...

sometimes i feel so far from God and then i realize that it's my fault, which makes me feel worse. the one being that is abundantly sufficient and i can't even manage to allow Him to help.

why do i have weeks of complete dedication and trust in Him and then the next week lose it all? it must break His heart. i can't even imagine how many times i've broken His heart... that actually reminds me of a song from Hillsongs United that goes "and how many times have i broken your heart, and still you forgive if only i ask" and i think that's just beautiful. He's always there, waiting, hoping, loving, and believing in me. He is the last string that holds me together. He is my light.

True love

2010-12-18T15:01:00.008-05:00

"Maybe the people who are hardest to love are the ones who need it the most."

This is my absolute favorite quote. I don't know who wrote it but it doesn't even matter. Truth is truth, no matter who it comes from. Recognition is not relevant because the person who spoke it is only the messenger of truth.

I love this quote, it speaks so much truth in my life. I find myself constantly drawn to the people who are the most neglected. The ones that most people push to the side and ignore or forget about because they're too different. In all honesty, those are my favorite people. The thing that brings me the most joy is loving people. And when I come across someone who challenges me in that area, it is intriguing to dissect and figure out how to love and care specifically for them. And when I finally figure it out, it is so fulfilling when I finally break through.

I have found that this quote is so true. Loving people who haven't felt love, to see their amazement and awe at the fact that I am pursuing them and caring for them. It also breaks my heart that they don't think they are worthy of such good treatment. I truly enjoy being the person to break down walls and plant hope in someone's heart.

But I must say, the power and wisdom doesn't come from me. It comes from God through answered prayers. The love that is in me is not of me. It is God's love through me. I am so thankful that God blessed me with the great ability of unconditional love and encouragement. I truly believe that is my gift.

appreciation

2010-12-13T23:41:00.005-05:00

after the days and weeks and months that have gone by
no matter what we go through, distance or closeness
nothing ever changes, even when i think it has
i get scared and worried thinking i mean less than i did before
but then the second i see you face to face again
you smile at me and speak to me with your eyes
and i know everything between us is all right
you reassure me that you still care and appreciate me
if i could tell you one thing i know what it would be
it would be how much that means to me

snatch

2010-11-21T16:42:00.001-05:00

I feel like all my hope was ripped away from me
The effect you have on me is so sick and strong
I keep forgetting to put hope in God instead of you
At least He’s always there to catch me when I fall

never let go

2010-11-17T23:42:00.002-05:00

God has answered my prayers for you already three times. that is what assures me that He is not done. God has shown us both that He will never give up on you. neither will I ever give up on you. for as long as I live I will fight for your happiness, safety and salvation. you mean everything to God and you certainly mean something to me. just keep your faith.

God's love

2010-11-07T01:08:00.004-04:00

after the week i've had with you, God you know i am in complete love. with everything i have, i give to you. i give you my love yet i feel it's not enough. you don't even ask of much from me but for everything you give me i wish i had more to offer. but that is why i love you, you just love me for who i am, not for what i do for you. to you i am the world and myself alone is enough. thank you Lord, for that, and for everything you do. you are my King, my prize. you are my life, and my life is yours.

free

2010-10-27T01:23:00.003-04:00

do you remember sitting under the oak tree
when you smiled my favorite smile and told me
"you don't know how much you mean to me"
i remember walking by the pond, arm in arm
and telling you how pleased i was to see you
that feeling we felt, of bliss and beauty
with red orange and yellow leaves, falling
i won't forget that day by the water
when i felt alive and you felt free

memory

2010-10-20T22:45:00.005-04:00

i remember the longing to be close at all times
whether it was sitting together with touching shoulders
or intertwining fingers when no one was watching
anything we could while keeping them in the dark
whispering sarcastic remarks in each others ear
always knowing what the other is thinking
the excitement and thrill of the secret
it all seems like a distant memory now
i miss you, and i want it all back

...

2010-10-17T21:59:00.006-04:00

you walked out of my life
just as sudden as you came

home

2010-10-12T18:44:00.003-04:00

now where ever you go
you are taking me with you
in your thoughts, in your dreams
and definitely in memory
but most of all, in your heart
for that is where i find my home
and i rest there, waiting

you

2010-10-12T00:24:00.002-04:00

your smile, your eyes
the vibrant love i feel
sweet words, soft hugs
my heart radiates
when i pray for you
that is when i feel
the closest to God
you keep me connected
to my father in heaven
when i can't pray for myself
i still pray for you

cling

2010-09-23T00:47:00.000-04:00

it's happened multiple times
I've been given the opportunity
to leave it at the alter and let it go
but to me it's not that simple
letting it go, is letting him go
which is something I'm not ready for
at least not yet, and I told God this
I don't know if I have the right
to bargain with the Lord
but I'm sure he understands
that I can't now but in time
I will let it go, and move on

darkness

2010-09-13T01:10:00.006-04:00

i will give up my emotions, there's no other option
but i promise you, even if you'll never know
i will continue to pray for you, every night
never will i forget you, even when others do
i've told you already, whenever you need me
come to me, i am always waiting

death cab for cutie says "i will follow you into the dark" and everyone says that it would be stupid of me but i tell you now, if following you into the dark is what it takes to pull you out, then i'll go no doubt.

future

2010-09-07T02:47:00.003-04:00

there's sunlight beaming behind you
your face is radiating with bliss
oh what a perfect picture it would be
i'm eager to capture it, hang it on my wall
the sight of you happy now
was truly worth it all

together

2010-09-05T01:03:00.002-04:00

your memory lingers
within these building walls
aching and longing to relive history
the image of your face, fading away
i am forgetting, losing you
don't be a faceless figure
come, redefine yourself
with me, forever

fear

2010-09-01T02:34:00.004-04:00

"always do what you're afraid to do."

that quote inspires me. it has given me insight to my own mind and how i think. whenever something challenges me out of my comfort zone, i am fearful and withdrawal immediately. i always thought if something scares me, the right thing to do is not do it.

this quote has shown me that it's the opposite. if you're afraid of something, that's all the more reason to do it. for you must overcome your fears or else where will you go in life that's worth going?

which brings me to another amazing quote:

"life begins at the end of your comfort zone."

jigsaw

2010-08-29T23:55:00.005-04:00

and i let out a sigh of relief
at this pinch of hope i have attained
it slips my mind every time
that i am being taken care of
even when it seems i am on my own
He's there, unseen, assembling
the puzzle that is my life
refitting, repiecing my mistakes
and when he finishes, i see it
His great plan, the perfect picture
he had in mind for me all along

excuse

2010-08-21T02:00:00.006-04:00

i would take a beautiful photo
frame it and leave it on your shelf
but not even a thousand words
could be enough to explain this feeling
i could create an abstract painting
take the canvas and hook it on your wall
but the meaning behind it would surely get lost
i should write you an enchanting song
sit you down and sing directly to your face
but my nerves will probably get the best of me

see this is the mess
i would, i could, i should
but i never do

always scared, always worried
always looking for a reason not to

request

2010-08-19T01:50:00.002-04:00

dear God,
i want to be different.
i want to inspire someone
and be inspired.
i wish i could make something beautiful
and do something great.
i want to save a life
and touch a heart.
i want to fall in love
and be happy.

it may be a lot to ask for
but please, allow me those things.

judge

2010-08-13T17:09:00.005-04:00

i feel what i feel
sure, i may hide it
but never will i deny it
if people can't handle me
i won't let them in
i don't need judgments upon me
when insecurities already consume me
i wish people could understand
but i accept that they can't
i'm aware only God can

light

2010-08-07T22:31:00.007-04:00

looking up
before me the stars and constellations
it amazes me how many there are
what other proof do we need that God exists?
the endless layers of tiny bright lights
they're so beautiful, i think to myself
then i pray to God for a shooting star
only seconds later getting one
i smile, for i am happy
"one more" i ask him
i wait, and wait...
finally, a few minutes later, i see it
yes, He exists, i tell myself
and not only that... He loves me

sleep

2010-08-04T02:54:00.003-04:00

early hours of the morning
still awake and unable to sleep
instead i think of my life and question it
but even if i could fall into unconsciousness
i'm sure it wouldn't do me any good
for all my dreams are now stale, lacking
lost from their usual message of hope

sigh

2010-08-02T23:01:00.003-04:00

i have to find within me
strength to accept your decision
no matter how horrible it is for you
and how much i wish i could save you
i need to accept that i've done what i could
and now i must leave you in God's hands
surely He will take good care of you

God

2010-07-28T14:54:00.004-04:00

i have to repeatedly tell myself that even when He seems to not care and when i don't feel He's listening, that's when He is present the most and my perception is what's keeping me from Him more than anything.

will

2010-07-26T23:31:00.003-04:00

there's not much to say except that
i really hope you know what you're doing
oh, and that you're breaking my heart
with your unwillingness to help yourself

vain

2010-07-20T13:15:00.002-04:00

as hard as it is i must keep having faith regarding this situation. even though it seems like all my efforts are in vain, i will not believe so. i trust that this will all work out the way it's meant to. if it's meant to be as it is, then so be it. until then i will try and do my best to be heard because if it's God's will then it will happen no matter how doubtful it looks. my prayers are not in vain. i know God hears them.

private

2010-07-17T16:43:00.002-04:00

i've started to worry how i sound
who's reading and what they think
it's hindered my thought process
i've acquired a filter, and i hate that
i hate censoring what i'm writing
feeling like i can't release
what i really feel inside

why am i so afraid that people will know?
know the intensity of my heart
see deep within my soul
into my mind with only these words

wondering

2010-07-13T15:52:00.002-04:00

does time make things better or worse?
do we truly understand our own feelings?
why do people subconsciously decide not to care?
how do people go through life without God?
could we be saved from ourselves?
when do we know we've taken it too far?

shine

2010-07-11T01:58:00.003-04:00

in the last 48 hours i have learned something important. leave your troubles at the alter. all your worries, all your fears, all your hurt, give it all to God. allow him to guide your life. just follow the light...

stars

2010-07-03T00:28:00.005-04:00

I just want gaze at the constellations, with you, somewhere far, away from the city, away from our lives. Just you, and me, and the beautiful creation made in God's image.

red bear

2010-06-29T22:24:00.004-04:00

my best years were when you were my best friend
only God knows what changed in us to grow apart
every time i see you now, i still miss you, what we had
people talk about you and the things you do
they talk about how you're so cute and friendly
they don't realize i know more than they do
every expression, every tone, i know the meanings behind
when i see you hurt, i want to help
you never let me, you never let anyone
you can tell me all you want how fine you are
you giggle and laugh when the subject is brought up
but my lovely, i see right through you
you cannot tell me you're fine
when your eyes blatantly say otherwise
we may not be best friends anymore
but i love you, forever, whole-heartedly
you can tell me anything, anytime, anywhere

childish

2010-06-29T13:04:00.004-04:00

it's scary how people can keep aging every year yet mentally remain childish. i used to think we all grew up and realized that popularity and money and looks aren't the most important things in life. then i see people older than me with no ambition other than obtaining those three things. how could you begin to tell them they've got it wrong when the first thing they label anyone who tries to correct them as jealous. this isn't high school. people need to grow up, for their own sake.

short

2010-06-26T17:52:00.001-04:00

i won't become your friend only to ask you to change, what kind of friend would i be? it is not about tolerating ones character but accepting it.

soul

2010-06-26T17:48:00.000-04:00

if you only knew how many lines i’ve dedicated to you, how many letters i’ve put together to form words for you. honestly, i can’t stand being away from you, it’s unbearable. i remember the night where all you did was walk in the room and set my soul alive. the certainty that i’d feel your embrace, hear your voice, look into your eyes, and yours into mine.

significance

2010-06-23T23:53:00.002-04:00

i'll give you more than empty words and promises,
i'll give you truth, love, and respect.

push

2010-06-14T14:57:00.003-04:00

when someone starts shutting off
not only from you, but from everyone
don't take it personal, because it's not
and some may think to leave them be
but i believe when someone pushes you away
that's when they need you the most
sometimes people think they need to be alone
but they might not realize what they really need
which is to see who will be the ones to pursue them
even when they beg them to stay away

light

2010-06-13T00:40:00.006-04:00

it's so hard to accept that you can't save someone who is in extreme need of help. it's terrifying to watch someone you love walking away from you and further into the darkness of this world, knowing you have the light. you just wanna take them into a safe hiding place, keeping them there making sure they won't be harmed any more by this vicious place. but at some point you got to realize, and accept, that people will take their own path, most of the time not thinking or even caring about the consequences because in that very moment it's exactly what they want and what they believe will make them happy. their choice - you can't take that from them. it's hard to stand by and let it happen, but you can't give up on them. never. you have to make sure they know that even when they walk down the wrong roads, you'll be waiting right where you always have been when they realize they're lost and want to come back. you also let them know that if they're so lost and can't find their way back, that you will travel any road to reach them, because that's what true love and friendship is about.

quote

2010-06-05T16:24:00.005-04:00

"In order to move on, you must understand why you felt what you did and why you no longer need to feel it."
–The Five People You Meet in Heaven

lifeless

2010-05-29T16:46:00.003-04:00

to know that you may be struggling out there and feeling completely lost and turning to the worst things imaginable instead of your friends and family and even God, it breaks my heart. you mean the world to me, why don't you take advantage of that? why do you push me and everyone away and choose strangers and a life that isn't really a life at all? please, with all my heart, i beg you to reconsider the life you're choosing. i pray that God guides you home to the people that care so deeply for you, including myself.

nostalgia

2010-05-26T00:08:00.001-04:00

it hurts everywhere i go. all parts of the city remind me of him. i look at an empty street and see his ghost in the place he stood talking to me a year ago. not one day passes without someone saying something that reminds me of him. i see him in other people, and i wish so deeply they could be him for only a moment. it's a constant battle to shove the thoughts aside and sometimes it works, i get distracted, but in every silent moment, my mind wonders off, to a place it's most happy... a place where he still exists: my memories.

lovely

2010-05-15T00:40:00.004-04:00

now i see the way you believe in yourself
and the way you determine your worth
i love the way you carry yourself
you know what you deserve
i hope to mold my character similar to yours

homeless

2010-05-13T22:52:00.005-04:00

now let me tell you something, sir
with your hands cupped open
filled with cheap copper nickel
what do you want from me?
a nickel? a quarter? a toonie at best?
sure, i will give you all you want
but you know what i think about you?
i think you're worth more than that
pick yourself up, have some dignity
you're a valuable precious soul
do not degrade yourself like that
on the floor begging gets you one thing
people looking down on you
you are worth more than any piece of paper or coin
there you sit, alone and worrisome
but just close your eyes and say a prayer
and receive the biggest gift of all
God's love, comfort, and grace

You

2010-05-12T22:47:00.005-04:00

At the most unpredictable times I will hear a song, read a quote, or see a face, and your power speaks through it. I'll get a glimpse, receive an insight of how it will be with You in heaven, the beauty of Your glorified name, the radiating unending love You bring, and I yearn to see You, to know You.

I know I get so distracted by my daily routines of life. I keep forgetting that you're here just waiting for me to call Your name. Why does my awe have to be triggered? I wish I could feel that way for you always, and I feel guilty for not feeling it, but please know I could not live without You in my life. Look into my heart, because You can, and see the truth when I say I love You.

inadequate

2010-05-11T18:41:00.001-04:00

what is it with people and not feeling good enough? it’s like something planted within us, deep in the root of our genes. everyone feels it, in different ways, at different times. some overcome it, and some don’t.

depth

2010-05-09T12:23:00.002-04:00

i feel insane when i talk to anyone about my feelings
they just do not understand anything
people cannot handle me, i'm such a deep person
always analyzing, trying to figure out the lost meanings
at times people cause me feel stupid and weird about it
but i try to remind myself that this is who i am
and i cannot let anyone's opinions affect me
if no one appreciates my depth, then at least i will

stars

2010-05-03T22:48:00.002-04:00

i love sitting outside after dark
staring up at the sky, the stars
wind gently blowing through my hair
everyone asleep, such peaceful relief

camouflage

2010-05-02T15:08:00.005-04:00

do you know how much i love you?
then you can understand why i don't want this for you
the thought of you leaving to a dangerous battle zone
scares me to death and puts a massive heap of worry in my heart
i would not sleep, thinking of the worst that could happen
i would die if you died, truly, i would die inside
my happy life would be taken from me
there are so many other options, please explore them
don't settle for something so horrible
you will be entering something i don't believe in
and if that something takes you from me
i would not be able to breathe without you

fame

2010-05-02T00:06:00.004-04:00

everyone wants to meet famous people and I've met quite a few and you know what? besides a select few they're nothing special. I have no excitement for band members or shows anymore. everything's all the same and so are all the band dudes. they're all fun and silly and do stupid things and they're all unique but in the end that just makes them all the same. don't waste time wishing to meet those people, sure, enjoy their music, and even their looks if you can't help it. but there are so many people in your daily lives who are incredible and just because they're not considered "famous" it doesn't mean they're not just as cool or cooler.

kin

2010-05-01T14:02:00.004-04:00

i have never once seen you let pain seap through the cracks
for my whole life i almost thought you didn't feel pain or hurt
i have always had this image of you as the strong willed tough guy
never allowing weakness of any sort have it's way with you
but today my heart crushed as i realized you too feel the pain
the way we grew up was not healthy but still you took it so well
knowing that it hurts you but you put yourself above it
only makes me think you're even stronger of a person
but i also feel sad, because you shouldn't have to feel this way
we shouldn't have this life, we deserve better
but it's the life we've been dealt

learn

2010-04-29T23:01:00.004-04:00

it's not what you did
it's what you didn't do
the initiative you didn't take
and how you should have
and how i shouldn't have had to instead
i am so proud of myself
for not downgrading my worth for you
for being confident in what i deserve
and realizing you couldn't give it to me

moonlight

2010-04-22T22:25:00.010-04:00

you feel so far away. sometimes i lose hope and get discouraged but tonight when we spoke on the phone, as you were driving i told you, "get out of your car, find the moon and look at it." a few mumbles and an opening car door later you said, "ok i see it, why?" and as i took in the moment i said to him "forget your surroundings, forget the phone you're holding, just look at the moon and hear my voice, and know that we are closer" silence followed... "but you're still millions of miles away," he said. "yes but it doesn't matter because in this moment we are together." we stood in silence, staring, breathing, waiting, hoping. "you know i love you, right?"

distinction

2010-04-21T21:35:00.004-04:00

the absence of someone you care about heightens longing, but longing is not love. we seem to lose the distinction between the two. just because your heart aches for someone, it doesn't mean anything other than you really truly miss them. it is deceiving because longing is such a convincing imitation of love.

absence

2010-04-18T11:26:00.004-04:00

this isn't love, what i feel
this is the absence of love
and the ever present longing
for something that could have been
this is the unrelenting memory
of how it was but how it ended
before it could ever develop

faces

2010-04-16T22:15:00.004-04:00

isn't it great how in a sea of people a familiar face will catch your attention immediately. the others just pass like waves, in and out of sight. we are all nobody's but when we're somebody to someone, in a crowd of faces yours stands out among them all.

others

2010-04-16T20:27:00.003-04:00

i want to indulge in others
preferring to give to their needs
than to my own
i want to be someones hero
to be your confidant
and help save a life

i want to radiate with love
speak no harm, do no evil
live my life for others benefit
i want to be selfless
like jesus was

tune

2010-04-14T20:06:00.008-04:00

sitting across the street
in the sunshine, legs crossed
i see you there, all lonesome like
standing in a cold shady alley
my heart goes out to you
i truly hope you're all right
i need to somehow tell you i am here
even when the rest of our colleagues
judge you or simply don't pay attention
you are not invisible, not to me

status

2010-04-13T21:14:00.003-04:00

tonight on the metro, some kid about 16 or 17 years young caught my attention. i knew right away in the way he moved and held himself, that with every fiber of his being he strives to be seen as cool.

we waste so much time worrying what other people think about us, we think it's the most important thing in life. it's so foolish though. who really cares what you wear or who you know? i don't and God certainly doesn't.

i wish there was a way to convince everyone that those things have no true significance in what makes you a good person and friend.

hate is poison

2010-04-11T17:30:00.002-04:00

"if you learn to hate one or two persons... you'll soon hate millions of people."
-jerry spinelli, stargirl

this is why it is important to love all, even those who hurt you.

wisdom

2010-04-11T01:46:00.003-04:00

when you give your life to God while you're still young and you choose not to participate in the typical young adult activities of life, i believe you're allowing yourself time to grow in your relationship with God. that relationship which consists of reading your bible, praying, working to make yourself better person, loving unconditionally and being understanding. by doing those things you become wise much faster. you're allowing yourself the time to study and understand God's way and the right way.

i have met some older people who still don't know what they want out of themselves or out of people. i find it sad, and i don't say that to be mean, it just truly saddens me that someone can let 20 years go by and still be in the same state of mind, making no conclusions to any thing they've ever faced. i think it's because people don't concentrate on God that they're so lost, they depend on what they think they need, and deny what they really need. if you spend time listening to people, learning from them, making a point of analyzing your own mistakes, and keeping close to God, i really truly believe you will find wisdom much faster.

i'm a big believer in analyzing situations, looking at all possible reasons for the issues i encounter and i have learnt so much about myself and others from being that way.

oh and i don't think wisdom only comes with time, it comes faster when you simply ask God for it, no matter what age you are.

truth

2010-04-07T20:35:00.003-04:00

search for your own purpose
seek out to discover truth
don't let people decide your beliefs
and don't just follow the crowd
search and pray and contemplate
you have no need to worry
that the truth you find is false
because if you've really found it
it will be the same as mine
and theirs, and everyone's
there is only One truth

God

2010-03-29T21:45:00.004-04:00

earlier tonight i was extremely frustrated with the cards i've been dealt in my life... i found myself upset with God. being upset with God is not a feeling i'm familiar with. nonetheless i felt it. i just felt so hopeless and helpless, i was just drowning in self pity to be frank.

just now i was pondering my attitude earlier tonight and it was completely wrong. i knew it as i was doing it, but my flesh took over. who am i to question God? to tell him he could have done better for me? how stupid.. how selfish. the God who gave me life, who sacrificed his perfect son for me. and i'm telling Him he could have done better? done more? what is wrong with me? and really, what is wrong with us as the human race? we are so ungrateful for everything we have, which all, directly and indirectly, does come from God.

i don't get us. i don't get me. we always want more, we always want what we don't have. we never appreciate what we do have. all God ever asked for was for us to believe in Him and to love others. we can't even do that. we say such cruel things about people and also about God. we hate and envy and gossip and yet want God to bless us?

how do we feel it's ok asking God for help when we hurt him so much?
it's just a drink, it's just a little lie, it's just disobeying my parents, it's just experiencing my youth... oh and by the way, can you bless me financially, Lord? can you promise me a secure future? can you help me find my significant other? it's been too long. i don't feel like waiting or trusting that you'll bring it all in your own perfect timing. i want it now.
this is basically what we're saying to God and sounds foolish, doesn't it?

yet God loves us so much that he does bless us, hoping we'll turn to Him, instead we turn away, and walk further and further... then beg for his forgiveness again... and then repeat it all a couple more times.

i was extremely wrong to be upset with God tonight, over my stupid insignificant personal problems compared to the bigger issues in the world. i know there is a reason for the cards God dealt me, and only when i figure it out will i truly begin to understand His great power and knowledge and goodness...and even then i will know little.

best friend

2010-03-27T01:05:00.002-04:00

seeing you again was miraculous and speaking to you just felt so natural. i missed you even more than i thought i did. i wish you didn't have to go back. you're my best friend and i need you in my life. i am only my complete self when i am with you.

scripture

2010-03-09T21:54:00.002-05:00

"there is a time and a way for everything,
even when troubles lie heavily upon you."
-ecclesiastes 8:6

i shall wait, i shall be patient
i will trust in God's perfect timing
and his unpredictable ways
i will not worry, no matter
how much time i think i'm losing
everything will be alright

people

2010-03-06T12:40:00.003-05:00

i have always been the type to see the good in people. i don't search for people's faults and make harsh judgments based on attitudes or appearances. i believe that everything happens for a reason, which also means everyone is a certain way for a reason. whether they're shy, outspoken, rude, or overly friendly, there's a reason behind it. look beyond what you see and try to understand what a person went through to make them they way they are today. the world would be a better place if we took the time to understand others, and practice compassion.

feeling

2010-03-01T23:37:00.004-05:00

and someone once told me
that by choosing my religion,
i am choosing social suicide
and by choosing the world,
i am choosing acceptance
they were persuasive
attempting to draw me in
i was swayed by their words
but immediately snapped out of it
i decided if giving up truth
is what it takes for me to have a life
of acceptance and pleasure
then what kind of life is that?
knowing that i have traded
the only thing that every makes me feel
for something that totally numbs me

john green

2010-02-25T19:46:00.006-05:00

the author of one of my favorite books called "looking for alaska" wrote back to me today! i was so shocked.

Dear Gemma,

Thanks so much for taking the time to write, and for your kind words about my book. I’ve always believed that books are a conversation, so my part of it is only half of the work. It doesn’t become real for me until you read it. So thank you.

Best wishes!
John

how nice, don't you think?

innocent

2010-02-24T19:50:00.002-05:00

attacking me with your accusations
"don't pretend to be so selfless"
you don't understand me, silly
maybe because you don't want to
but it's impossible to get me down
with the cruelty you throw at me
i know the greatest truth of all
and for your knowledge sake
i am far from attaining selflessness
but since when did striving for it
do anyone anything but good?

average

2010-02-23T17:18:00.000-05:00

it's the thrill of wanting something you can't have that makes you so incredibly obsessed about it. if you had it, it'd be just like any other thing you already have in your life.

present

2010-02-23T16:36:00.002-05:00

we think of the past and how good it was
we wish for things that are long gone
and because of it we miss out on the present
the past is the past, it's gone forever
there is no use wishing for it back
we should give every moment
to our current life and situations
try not to even think ahead
the future is not ours, live in the now
and the rest with sort itself out

optimistic

2010-02-22T23:06:00.003-05:00

reading a good book
discovering new music
watching romantic movies
anything that makes me think
and whatever i can relate to
that lets me know i'm not alone
they give me optimism and hope
that i wish would never leave

reason

2010-02-22T16:53:00.004-05:00

there is one thing i've learned
it is the only thing i am sure of
and i've doubted it much in the past
yet my doubt is always proven useless

in the midst of confusion
and your most difficult times
God will shine his light through the darkness
and help you understand things
you will know that everything
even the bad, happens for a reason

arizona

2010-02-21T21:42:00.021-05:00

take me to arizona
with the blistering heat
and the sun in my eyes
take me to the red rock mountains
and the enormous hole in the ground
where the cactus stand almost extinct
and the desert runs for miles
take me to the color coded city
with the little mexican village
and lets freeze ourselves in time

above: mexican village // photo by me

gift

2010-02-19T16:15:00.002-05:00

when you are feeling alone
and find yourself yearning for company
i hope you know deep in your heart
that i am there if you want me to be
although i would hope that you feel me there
even in your good times and happiness
but if that's not so, then it does not matter
i am to you whatever you need me to be
that is my gift to you

storm

2010-02-19T15:11:00.008-05:00

sometimes life takes an unexpected turn
and the road is a little bit bumpy
but giving up and turning around
is the worse possible solution
we must continue through the storm
step by step we'll make it
and figure out what to do

books

2010-02-17T20:13:00.004-05:00

so i finished reading p.s. i love you a few weeks ago, and i did in fact find myself preferring the movie. see now i am sure my theory is correct.

i also bribed my brother into letting me use his credit card to order two books. he asked "what's in it for me?" and i said "lots of massages and pancake mornings?" and he said "deal" and so i ordered my books and tonight i must give him a massage and make him pancakes tomorrow morning. i love my brother, he's so funny.

the books i ordered are called dear john and the last song, both by nicholas sparks.