I love Him because He first loved me.

Who was this disgusting fleshly being that I had become? Or more accurately so, that I was. All the King’s glory that once was within me I traded over for quick thrills. There is no satisfaction in any of what I choose over my King but I chose it all anyway. In my mind was engraved the ideas that the poor offerings of the world were capable of filling my glass, yet in my heart I knew He was the only one who can fill it to overflow. My King was patient with me. He had the authority and the power to end me for a wide variety of transgressions, which all were equally as shameful. Yet He had chosen to have grace towards me. I pondered the reasons but my mind couldn’t fathom such kindness for a peasant such as myself. A peasant, yes, was how I had grown to see myself. My greatest talent was begging for mercy, another chance, and dare I say, forgiveness. Stupid of me to even request such things, yet the King offered them up gladly. “I care not what you have done” He said, “I care only about you.”

When I was alone I wept because I was unworthy. But most of all, because I had fallen in love with the King, the very king I continued to wrong. I screamed in frustration to the air demanding how perfection could even look upon me in my torn dirty rags. I was a mess, unclean and always falling. My diseases continued to thrive in me and I wished so desperately to be relieved of them, but they became a part of me.

But nonetheless my King told me He loved me, that He wanted to walk hand in hand with me. It was then my desperate attempt to fix myself began. In my life all I knew was that I loved Him therefore I would clean myself up, I would make myself worthy for Him. I would do anything to be by His side, the only one who has ever loved me.

I cleaned up and people were shocked. I changed my life around for my King. People were impressed and so was I. I had become a sight to see, people began to look up to me. But when I called for my King He was silent. I began to feel worried. He would not say a word. Days turned into weeks and weeks into months. I clinged to the memory of when He told me He loved me… I would yell out to him on mountain tops, asking where He was… He never answered.

The wickedness inside me began to seep through. My discouragement led to other things, which caused me to stray away from the One I claimed loyalty to. I could not bare the pain of being alone. I told myself I did all I could and slowly lost hope. As time passed, I stopped searching for my King. I thought of Him throughout the day, knowing He was always going to be my first and only love. But I gave up searching for Him.

One night, a knock at my door. I opened it to see the King. I fell to my knees at the sight of Him. I put my arms around His legs and begged Him not to leave me. “Where were you? Why didn’t you answer me?” I cried and cried at His feet. He looked at me and said “my lovely, I have been waiting for you but you never gave me your hand. But fret not, I am here. You have no need to perfect yourself for I am perfection and I am your King. Walk with me, hand in hand, that is all I ever wanted from you, my dear. The rest will come.”

As I gave Him my hand peace washed over me. I realized then that all I ever had to do was reach out to Him, and He would save me.

Standing up for God

I’m silly and I’m weird and I love to have fun and laugh until my cheeks ache. Yeah, sure, sometimes I go overboard. Sometimes people think I’m crazy or annoying, but it doesn’t really matter…because it’s blissful. It’s a temporary state of happiness that I get into when I’m surrounded by amazing people I love. I get high on my own love for people, that’s what it is. People think it’s crazy and they don’t understand it but that’s okay because it’s temporary. I love it. I thrive in the presence of people, I enjoy the company of people and forgive me if I get happy and excited when I’m with them.

But despite all that, I am also incredibly passionate about being serious when I need to be. Like when it comes to Godly things—I am dead serious. I will stand up for Jesus and defend His honour no matter what you say about me. I won’t even budge. I won’t care what You say because I am so sure of Him and His sovereignty that He’s too important to let any person sway my devotion to Him. I actually love that about myself. How I can be silly and passive towards people’s judgements and just have fun without letting it bother me, but the second you touch my God, I will not have it. I’ll be the one to speak up and tell you you’re wrong. I’ll be the one that stands up for Godly things that the world considers hateful. I will be “that” person that you don’t wanna hear.

I will risk being called a freak, or an extremist. Because it means nothing to me. Because at the end of the day I will sit on the floor in my room to meet with God like every other night, and when He comes He will tell me He is proud of me and He will reassure me of His love and power and glory. And that assurance alone makes everything worth it. It melts my heart. It brings tears to my eyes. It fills my heart with an overflowing love and bubbly joy that is irreplaceable. Being liked by people can never give me the same satisfaction as being loved by my Creator does. So if I had to choose between pleasing people or God, you better believe I’m going to choose God in a heartbeat.

I love Him, and His opinion of me matters. Not anyone else’s.

Like You

Tears fall down my cheeks
As I ponder Your glory
A perfect life, a genuine smile
Holiness Himself took upon my filth

You offered Your life
In place for mine
All for love, you rescued me
Now I will live for You

Tune my heartbeat to Yours, Lord
And train my eyes to see like Yours
Use my lips, Lord, to speak Your words
Make me like you, Jesus
I want to be like You