Trusting God's Word

When people ask me questions about my beliefs, most of the time I can explain exactly why I believe certain things and clearly state the reasoning behind them.

But sometimes on certain topics the truth really is "I believe it simply because the Bible says it." Yes, there are times when I myself don't understand, sometimes it doesn't even make sense to me yet.

But I have this absolute trust in the word of God that I am willing to obey it and believe it, not because I understand every single thing in it, but because I fiercely trust God's judgement and there is not a fibre of my being that doubts His goodness. I know that though I may not understand now, there is a valid purpose for everything written in that book, and one day I will understand the things my mind cannot currently fathom.

I know to non-Christians it sounds ludicrous. How can you believe something you don't even see the reasoning behind? Like I said, there's only a few topics that this happens where I can't really grasp WHY it has to be this way, but when that confusion does come, I just trust in God. Some people call it blind faith, but simple faith is really all it is.

We cannot limit the Bible to our human understanding when it is the word of God, a God who is much greater than we are and whose knowledge is limitless. Sometimes, we have to put it into His hands and trust in His sovereignty.

I love Him because He first loved me.

Who was this disgusting fleshly being that I had become? Or more accurately so, that I was. All the King’s glory that once was within me I traded over for quick thrills. There is no satisfaction in any of what I choose over my King but I chose it all anyway. In my mind was engraved the ideas that the poor offerings of the world were capable of filling my glass, yet in my heart I knew He was the only one who can fill it to overflow. My King was patient with me. He had the authority and the power to end me for a wide variety of transgressions, which all were equally as shameful. Yet He had chosen to have grace towards me. I pondered the reasons but my mind couldn’t fathom such kindness for a peasant such as myself. A peasant, yes, was how I had grown to see myself. My greatest talent was begging for mercy, another chance, and dare I say, forgiveness. Stupid of me to even request such things, yet the King offered them up gladly. “I care not what you have done” He said, “I care only about you.”

When I was alone I wept because I was unworthy. But most of all, because I had fallen in love with the King, the very king I continued to wrong. I screamed in frustration to the air demanding how perfection could even look upon me in my torn dirty rags. I was a mess, unclean and always falling. My diseases continued to thrive in me and I wished so desperately to be relieved of them, but they became a part of me.

But nonetheless my King told me He loved me, that He wanted to walk hand in hand with me. It was then my desperate attempt to fix myself began. In my life all I knew was that I loved Him therefore I would clean myself up, I would make myself worthy for Him. I would do anything to be by His side, the only one who has ever loved me.

I cleaned up and people were shocked. I changed my life around for my King. People were impressed and so was I. I had become a sight to see, people began to look up to me. But when I called for my King He was silent. I began to feel worried. He would not say a word. Days turned into weeks and weeks into months. I clinged to the memory of when He told me He loved me… I would yell out to him on mountain tops, asking where He was… He never answered.

The wickedness inside me began to seep through. My discouragement led to other things, which caused me to stray away from the One I claimed loyalty to. I could not bare the pain of being alone. I told myself I did all I could and slowly lost hope. As time passed, I stopped searching for my King. I thought of Him throughout the day, knowing He was always going to be my first and only love. But I gave up searching for Him.

One night, a knock at my door. I opened it to see the King. I fell to my knees at the sight of Him. I put my arms around His legs and begged Him not to leave me. “Where were you? Why didn’t you answer me?” I cried and cried at His feet. He looked at me and said “my lovely, I have been waiting for you but you never gave me your hand. But fret not, I am here. You have no need to perfect yourself for I am perfection and I am your King. Walk with me, hand in hand, that is all I ever wanted from you, my dear. The rest will come.”

As I gave Him my hand peace washed over me. I realized then that all I ever had to do was reach out to Him, and He would save me.

Intimate

I’ve come to love You as one would love their husband. This relationship feels as real if not more real than any relationship I have with anyone. You’ve become my other half, my best friend, my king, my love, my everything. You’ve swept me off my feet time and time again. Every time You whisper sweet thoughts in my ear I melt inside… Our dates every night in my room over tea are so simple but they mean everything to me. Talking to you completes my day and feeling you smile along with my silly rambles makes me come alive. I know You’re as pleased about us as I am. I feel Your joy when You’re around me. I can sense that You’re happy with me… and Lord, I’m so happy with You. This world, when I look at it in comparison to You, is absolutely nothing. No temporary pleasure can even compare. Your love is permanent, not some cheap thrill. You’re the most real thing I’ve ever known. I love you, God. I love you.

Always will be

Making You my eveything has resulted in the most beautiful experiences I’ve ever had. I feel You with me everywhere I go and I know you’re as happy about this as I am. You’ve changed me completely…I’m a better person when I’m with You. I want to be in Your presence every minute of the day and it’s easier to resist temptations simply by keeping myself near to you. From everything that’s happened to me this past week I realize I’m starting to know what real love is all about. I’m Yours, Lord. I always will be.

From filth to glory

I question my self, Lord, because I know in my depths of my heart and soul, You are all I want. If I had nothing else but You, I’d be happy. if You decided to scrap every plan I ever had for my life, I’d be ready to do Your work. You have my heart, You are my life. I desire You most. I love You most. I yearn for You more than anything else. But then…there come times when I choose my fleshly desires over You.

It confuses me how I could sin against the One I love with every fibre of my being. It makes me angry with myself that I claim to love You, then turn around and partake in the very things You despise. But I can’t help it. I’m so weak. I try to resist, and sometimes I succeed, but sometimes I fail… and sometimes it’s a lot of times.

But despite my actions, I know in the core of my spirit that You love me still. I will never run from You like I used to when I didn’t understand Your grace. It just bothers me that I am so human. I want to be more holy, I want to be more like You, but I’m held back by my humanity… And though your Spirit works in me and transforms me and helps me conquer sins and wrong attitudes, there is still that part of me that will always desire to give in to my flesh.

But despite everything, my King, I love You with all of me. I want more of You, more of Your presence. And, Lord, whenever You extend mercy to me, I fall so much deeper in love with You. You even use my sin to somehow make our relationship stronger. That’s how good You are. You take my filth, turn it into beauty, and then use it all to bring the glory back to Your name. You are magnificent and holy and to be adored. I love You so much.

Too

I come to you again, broken and ashamed
I’m forever amazed by Your grace
I don’t think it’ll ever be easy to grasp
The way You love me is beautiful
How You softly pour Your love onto me
By gently speaking kind words in my ear
My heart pounds in my chest—overwhelmed by You
Tears stain my eyes when You bless me with Your presence
Take my heart, Lord, and keep it for Yourself
I am Yours, my beloved
And I love You too

Yours

I'm here to live out the life You have called me to live, and serve You not the way I think is best but the way You desire. I surrender my hopes and dreams; my reputation and my pride—it's all Yours. Take me by the hand and lead me in the direction You want me to go. Where you say go, I'll go. When You say do, I'll do. My life is not mine, it's completely Yours. You alone, God, are my purpose. You have placed me here for Your glory, and glory to Your name I will bring.

Standing up for God

I’m silly and I’m weird and I love to have fun and laugh until my cheeks ache. Yeah, sure, sometimes I go overboard. Sometimes people think I’m crazy or annoying, but it doesn’t really matter…because it’s blissful. It’s a temporary state of happiness that I get into when I’m surrounded by amazing people I love. I get high on my own love for people, that’s what it is. People think it’s crazy and they don’t understand it but that’s okay because it’s temporary. I love it. I thrive in the presence of people, I enjoy the company of people and forgive me if I get happy and excited when I’m with them.

But despite all that, I am also incredibly passionate about being serious when I need to be. Like when it comes to Godly things—I am dead serious. I will stand up for Jesus and defend His honour no matter what you say about me. I won’t even budge. I won’t care what You say because I am so sure of Him and His sovereignty that He’s too important to let any person sway my devotion to Him. I actually love that about myself. How I can be silly and passive towards people’s judgements and just have fun without letting it bother me, but the second you touch my God, I will not have it. I’ll be the one to speak up and tell you you’re wrong. I’ll be the one that stands up for Godly things that the world considers hateful. I will be “that” person that you don’t wanna hear.

I will risk being called a freak, or an extremist. Because it means nothing to me. Because at the end of the day I will sit on the floor in my room to meet with God like every other night, and when He comes He will tell me He is proud of me and He will reassure me of His love and power and glory. And that assurance alone makes everything worth it. It melts my heart. It brings tears to my eyes. It fills my heart with an overflowing love and bubbly joy that is irreplaceable. Being liked by people can never give me the same satisfaction as being loved by my Creator does. So if I had to choose between pleasing people or God, you better believe I’m going to choose God in a heartbeat.

I love Him, and His opinion of me matters. Not anyone else’s.

Like You

Tears fall down my cheeks
As I ponder Your glory
A perfect life, a genuine smile
Holiness Himself took upon my filth

You offered Your life
In place for mine
All for love, you rescued me
Now I will live for You

Tune my heartbeat to Yours, Lord
And train my eyes to see like Yours
Use my lips, Lord, to speak Your words
Make me like you, Jesus
I want to be like You

All of me for You

Take my life and every part of it, Lord
I'm not holding back, you can have it all
It's not even hard for me as it once was
I've fallen so deeply in love with You
That my heart is already Yours
Now I ask that you please take the rest

No matter what comes at us, Lord
It's not a worry anymore
Because I know that our love is lasting
You've taken me and You've fixed me
We've built our relationship out from brokenness
We've journeyed long and hard
I know we're unbreakable and inseperable
Nothing can snatch me from your grip

My God, I know I will be safe under Your protection
All the days of my life, You'll be holding my hand
No matter what comes, You never fail to be there
Through trials and temptations, You offer me an escape
When I am joyful, You take delight in my laughter

My Beloved, Your glory takes my breath away
Your presence is overwhelming
Your holiness humbles me before You
All I want is to be closer to You
And walk with You in obedience
Fighting the good fight of faith

Everything I ever needed

Whenever we spend time together, I fall more in love
You let me talk about silly things and you don’t get freaked out
when I randomly burst into a river of tears
My King, you’re such a gentleman in all your ways
You treat me like a lady and call me sweet names
When I sing, you think I sound beautiful even when I don’t

You never forget to remind me who I am
That in your eyes I am beautiful, lovely and desirable
And the fact that you think so is causing me to believe it too
You’ve changed me and the way I think about myself
You’ve changed my outlook on people and the world
Every day I feel myself becoming a little more like You

Every day you tell me of your everlasting love for me
How there’d be nothing I can do to ever sway your affections
You’re everything I always needed but never expected to get
You are my Beloved, there’s none other I’d have but You
Forget everything else, Lord, I just want You
How could I not? For the perfection that You are

Who could reject You after knowing a love like this?
I’ll spend forever with you, Christ Jesus
I will gladly follow You where ever you go
For You are my King—my Saviour
And I love You with all my soul

Tea time with God

My favourite thing to do is make delicious tea, sit on the floor in my room, dim all the lights, play worship music and just spend time with God. I try to go in with no intentions. I just start singing to Him and He guides it from then on. When I try to plan it, it doesn't feel right. But when I come into His presence with zero expectations, simply to meet Him there—He never fails to come.

Even though I cannot see Him physically, I still treat our meetings as though I could. That's why I love making tea while I do it, because it's something I'd do while spending time catching up with any of my friends.

I find that treating God as a real friend, and starting to do casual things with Him has really brought our relationship to a new level of intimacy. I still see Him as the sovereign mighty God of the universe, but he's also my best friend who has tea with me on my messy bedroom floor.

Depending on God

Despite the fact that King David was a man and a king, I find that I really relate to him so much right now. Like, when I read about him and the things he wrote… I just completely get him. It feels like he is describing my life.

This past Sunday my pastor even preached about him, and he pointed out that King David was a man who was entirely dependent on God. He relied on God and loved God since he was a boy, through good times, through the bad times and even as an old man… So David loved God and stuck with God all his life. He was a man after God’s heart. And even when he sinned in unthinkable ways, he STILL pursued God through his shame and guilt and pleaded with God to forgive him and not take the Holy Spirit—God’s presence—away from him… And so because of the sincerity of David’s heart, God forgave him. (Psalm 51)

So it makes me think, that even when I sin against God, I shouldn’t ever run away from God in shame, but run to God in repentance. I must depend on God through EV-ER-Y-THING.

This sounds like simple stuff, but how many times do we actually remember to run to God in repentance instead of away from him in shame?

You are with me

When the sun is radiant and warm
And Your blessings pour over me
As the birds sing of Your holiness
And the flowers bloom with Your glory
Through the loveliness of the day
I will know You are with me

When the violent storms hit
And the waves are crashing in
As the sharks swim out to harm me
Your shield of protection will surround me
Through the struggle and the pain
I know my prayer is not in vain
And my God, I will know You are with me

For in all days and all seasons
And whatever comes my way
You never leave me nor forsake me
I can feel Your hand upon me
Guiding me into Your peace
Under Your wings You hide me
Safe from all danger You keep me
Into Your presence You lead me
As you refine me through fire
I will know You are with me

My God, You are always with me

Dear future husband,

If there's one piece of advice I'd give you, it would be this: don't be in a rush to find me. Yes, I too am very eager and excited to meet you, but I believe God has things for us to work out in our own lives before He brings us together.

Before we can be good together, we have to be good with God and God alone. Him alone should be enough for us, enough for our heart, spirit, and soul. We must not long or thirst for anything other than Jesus. What I want for both of us is for us to enter a level of intimacy with our beloved Jesus that no matter who or what comes into our lives, it will never take the place of Him. I don't want to complete you. I want God to complete you. I want God to fulfil you and validate you. I cannot do that for you, and I don't expect you to do it for me either. We will have our roles to play for each other, but validating each other is not one of them. That is a space only the Holy Spirit can fill. So let Him fill it.

I want you to know that I hope and pray every day that you seek Him above all else. I pray that you look to God for strength to overcome the struggles you go through, and that you turn to Him and never from Him. I fervently pray that the Holy Spirit mold you into the man of God that He desires you to be. I also pray all the time that I will be able to give you the things you need and love you in a way you will feel it and know it with complete confidence.

I do not know who you are yet, or where you are, or when we will be brought together, but I am not worried. I trust that whoever you are and wherever you are, God will bring us into each others lives in His perfect timing. Seek Him, and love Him. I will do the same. And I believe that when God sees we are good and ready, He will allow us to meet.

With loving affection,
Your future wife

My affections for God

Things that stir my affections for Jesus. These are things that when I do, hear, and/or partake in them, they widen my appreciation and love for God.

• Worship
• Prayer
• His presence
• Connecting with people
• Listening to a crowded room worship God
• Comfy blankets & perfect pillows
• The knowledge that Jesus loves me
• Speaking about Him
• People when they're vulnerable
• Coffee when I'm exhausted
• My puppy's joy dance when I get home
• Photography
• Creativity
• Puffy clouds
• Autumn
• Long heartfelt hugs
• People confiding in me
• Listening to sermons
• A good night of sleep
• Nature
• Animals

Things that rob my affections for Jesus. These are things that when I do, hear, and/or partake in them they hinder my relationship with God.

• Sin
• Watching television
• Worldly music
• Gossip
• Curse words
• Negative thoughts
• Choosing stuff over God
• Dwelling on negatives
• Not spending time with Him
• Mushrooms (lol jk)
• Trying to solve my own problems
• Worry and doubt
• Fear

There's much more than this, but these are all I could think of right now and they have recently been the main things that either edify or hinder me. Also, the idea to write this was inspired by Matt Chandler in this sermon in which he speaks about it "disciplined delights" at 35:15 minutes if you want to fast-forward it to watch that one part and understand better what he means.

God is up to something

I am overwhelmed. Completely and thoroughly overwhelmed by all that God is doing in my life. I never thought I'd be the girl who had potential to do something big for God. I never thought it was going to be me. My whole life I've bought into the lies of the enemy that I'm not good enough or strong enough or talented enough to be used greatly by God. I've been through so many changes in my life. I've been to the pit of brokenness and back. But this year topped it all. It has been the biggest battle of my life. It's been a good hard fight. It was time to get serious or accept defeat. So I got serious: I chose Jesus.

I remember one night I said to Him, "Lord, I don't want to be carnal Christian. I want to be one of the people that answers to your calling, that lives the life You have for me, that gives everything up to serve you, and so Lord, I am Yours."

Let me tell you, He sure has taken me up on it! The things He is teaching me, WOW! He is transforming my life, my ways, my behaviour, my attitude, and my thoughts. He's absolutely tearing me apart and putting me back together in a way that will glorify Him. He has been fervently teaching me to walk in the fruits of the Spirit, teaching me about prayer, and truly helping me to understand His word. He is teaching me the BE a Christian in mind, body, soul, and Spirit. He is breaking the walls, barriers, bondages, doubts, and fears, and replacing it with His reassurance and goodness and passion.

It is a beautiful process I am being taken through. And I'm still going through it. I still have tons to learn. It takes time to break bad habits and develop new good habits. But the change so far is evident. I see it. My parents see it. People see it. This weekend a bunch of ladies at my church retreat told me I have an amazing testimony, and I was like "what? me? I have a testimony?" I never thought of my life as a testimony. I've seen so many people giving their testimonies up on stage at church and always thought "I'll never have something special like that that can stir people up and touch their hearts." But this weekend I was shown that I was wrong. That that was also lie from the enemy.

There are no words to explain my thanks to God, for all that He is doing, and for the time He is taking to shape me and mold me into the person He desires me to be. All I could do that I know of is to continue loving Him and telling people about Him.

I am not the same person I was even a week ago.

Getting closer

I used to rely so much on having someone to talk to during the day, as in someone to text. I really just liked having someone to keep me company. And when I stopped talking to one person, I'd start with another. It's as if I wasn't okay being alone all day.

About 2 months ago I stopped that. Sure, I text here and there, but I no longer rely on people to make me happy or keep me company throughout the day. Instead, if I am feeling lonely, I talk to God, I read my Bible and/or Christian living books, or even listen to worship music. I bring those 3 things with me to school, just in case I get bored and feel like passing time.

Ever since I've started doing this I've felt such a deeper connection with God. I feel more complete. It feels good to put all my trust and hope and affection towards God. It is amazing to be free from the bondage of needing people, because honestly it was destroying my relationship with God. It seems so small, but when people take up time that deserves to be given to God, it affects you. Well, it affects me.

I can't thank God enough for answering my prayers. I ask him frequently to reveal to me things in my life that are taking the place of Him, and He always shows me new things that are actually huge that I never noticed before. Actually, I have also been asking for more Christian friends and it's like out of nowhere I am hanging out with people and find myself stopping for a moment to think "wow, how did I get here, sitting at a table with these amazing people talking about God?" because a few months ago I didn't even know them. He answers our prayers so subtly sometimes and then one day you realize everything for the answered prayer it is, and it's so overwhelming.

It's safe to say I'm in love.

The glory of His presence.

It makes me wonder, if people truly felt God, would it not change them? Would it not transform their hearts and mind? Would it not cause them to believe?

When I am in need concerning anything, I must only call him name and He is there. I am convinced that if people felt Him, felt the warmth of his presence, the tingling sensation running up and down their whole body, peace washing over them, and the utter contentment knowing He is there, that they would not be able to deny Him.

I do not believe in a dead God. My God is alive, and he listens, and he comforts. He is always there. I am not walking this life alone. In spirit, He is with me always. It is not something us Christians say as a metaphor. When we say He is there with us, it is real, so very real, and nothing feels better than to sit in His presence and acknowledge that the God of the universe is right there, sitting on the floor with me in my messy room. He cares not what I've done or will do, he cares not about my social status, the clothes I wear, the size I am, or the qualifications I have. He only wants me, all of me, as I am. He made me in the first place, and I am perfect to Him.

Have you ever been in love? Where all you do is think of that person and all the good things you want to do for them? How you want them to feel special and really know that they are loved? Like you'd do anything to be there for them at any time and any where and the worst thing in the world is watching them struggle and not letting you help them.

That is what God feels for us, but even stronger. Stronger than we could ever imagine. And in those moments on the floor in my messy room when He is there with me, I feel exactly that. I feel how much He loves me. It is undeniable. It's in those moments where I know that no matter what happens in my life, I want basque in the glory of His presence for the rest of my life.

I love Him.

God is bigger than your failure.

So you failed. You failed hard. You failed really hard. You are currently the worst you've ever been. You've strayed away from the you everyone knows, and became what you believe to be some kind of monster version of yourself. You lie, you cheat, you have so much anger and you act on it, you are involved in so much sin, you haven't spoken to God in at least a month.You're just out of control.

Yet all your family, all your friends, they have no idea. So they treat you like you're the best person in the world. They even come to you for advice. And deep down inside you hate yourself and you feel fake but you can't come clean because you cannot risk being judged by people you love. You want them to think good of you. You know you're good deep down, but you're just going through some messed up stuff right now.

You feel ashamed and guilty, you feel dirty. You feel like a mess. You want to talk to God, you want to be back in relationship with God but you don't even know how to get there anymore. You used to be doing so well, you and God were so close and you were so sensitive to his presence and his love. But now, you think "how do I even approach Him knowing what I've done?"

Well, I'm here to tell you that there is no condemnation for those who know Jesus. It says so right here in Romans 8 1-2:

There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death.

I'll break that down for you. There is no judgement for those who have salvation in Jesus. Before Jesus came and died for us, we were under the curse of the law which we see in the Old Testament which basically went like this: if you sinned, you'd have to sacrifice one of your best lambs and then ask for forgiveness and only then would God forgive you.

But then Jesus came in the picture and because He lived a perfect sinless life, he was the ultimate sacrifice that could ever be made on our behalf. He was perfect and innocent, and He took the fall for us, died a criminal's death....for us... And now because of that ANYTHING you do is paid for before God's eyes. You cannot be condemned for your sins, because Jesus already paid for them.

So even though you're ashamed of yourself and you see yourself as horrible, filthy, dirty... GOD sees you as perfect, blameless, spotless, clean, beautiful, and He absolutely adores you. And all he wants is for you to come back to Him so he could love on you and help you overcome all your fears and insecurities.

We run away from people who we think will judge us and not want us. That is not God. God is chasing after you begging you to just stop and turn to Him so he can show you that He doesn't want to judge you or condemn you, or hurt you, but to simply and wholeheartedly love you.

If you're in a mess, and you feel like you're in too deep. I can promise you that it's not too deep for God. He's already waiting, and the second you open your heart to Him, he's gonna be there with his hand out stretched waiting for you take it so he can guide you back on the right path.