Always will be

Making You my eveything has resulted in the most beautiful experiences I’ve ever had. I feel You with me everywhere I go and I know you’re as happy about this as I am. You’ve changed me completely…I’m a better person when I’m with You. I want to be in Your presence every minute of the day and it’s easier to resist temptations simply by keeping myself near to you. From everything that’s happened to me this past week I realize I’m starting to know what real love is all about. I’m Yours, Lord. I always will be.

Everything I ever needed

Whenever we spend time together, I fall more in love
You let me talk about silly things and you don’t get freaked out
when I randomly burst into a river of tears
My King, you’re such a gentleman in all your ways
You treat me like a lady and call me sweet names
When I sing, you think I sound beautiful even when I don’t

You never forget to remind me who I am
That in your eyes I am beautiful, lovely and desirable
And the fact that you think so is causing me to believe it too
You’ve changed me and the way I think about myself
You’ve changed my outlook on people and the world
Every day I feel myself becoming a little more like You

Every day you tell me of your everlasting love for me
How there’d be nothing I can do to ever sway your affections
You’re everything I always needed but never expected to get
You are my Beloved, there’s none other I’d have but You
Forget everything else, Lord, I just want You
How could I not? For the perfection that You are

Who could reject You after knowing a love like this?
I’ll spend forever with you, Christ Jesus
I will gladly follow You where ever you go
For You are my King—my Saviour
And I love You with all my soul

Tea time with God

My favourite thing to do is make delicious tea, sit on the floor in my room, dim all the lights, play worship music and just spend time with God. I try to go in with no intentions. I just start singing to Him and He guides it from then on. When I try to plan it, it doesn't feel right. But when I come into His presence with zero expectations, simply to meet Him there—He never fails to come.

Even though I cannot see Him physically, I still treat our meetings as though I could. That's why I love making tea while I do it, because it's something I'd do while spending time catching up with any of my friends.

I find that treating God as a real friend, and starting to do casual things with Him has really brought our relationship to a new level of intimacy. I still see Him as the sovereign mighty God of the universe, but he's also my best friend who has tea with me on my messy bedroom floor.

My affections for God

Things that stir my affections for Jesus. These are things that when I do, hear, and/or partake in them, they widen my appreciation and love for God.

• Worship
• Prayer
• His presence
• Connecting with people
• Listening to a crowded room worship God
• Comfy blankets & perfect pillows
• The knowledge that Jesus loves me
• Speaking about Him
• People when they're vulnerable
• Coffee when I'm exhausted
• My puppy's joy dance when I get home
• Photography
• Creativity
• Puffy clouds
• Autumn
• Long heartfelt hugs
• People confiding in me
• Listening to sermons
• A good night of sleep
• Nature
• Animals

Things that rob my affections for Jesus. These are things that when I do, hear, and/or partake in them they hinder my relationship with God.

• Sin
• Watching television
• Worldly music
• Gossip
• Curse words
• Negative thoughts
• Choosing stuff over God
• Dwelling on negatives
• Not spending time with Him
• Mushrooms (lol jk)
• Trying to solve my own problems
• Worry and doubt
• Fear

There's much more than this, but these are all I could think of right now and they have recently been the main things that either edify or hinder me. Also, the idea to write this was inspired by Matt Chandler in this sermon in which he speaks about it "disciplined delights" at 35:15 minutes if you want to fast-forward it to watch that one part and understand better what he means.

God is up to something

I am overwhelmed. Completely and thoroughly overwhelmed by all that God is doing in my life. I never thought I'd be the girl who had potential to do something big for God. I never thought it was going to be me. My whole life I've bought into the lies of the enemy that I'm not good enough or strong enough or talented enough to be used greatly by God. I've been through so many changes in my life. I've been to the pit of brokenness and back. But this year topped it all. It has been the biggest battle of my life. It's been a good hard fight. It was time to get serious or accept defeat. So I got serious: I chose Jesus.

I remember one night I said to Him, "Lord, I don't want to be carnal Christian. I want to be one of the people that answers to your calling, that lives the life You have for me, that gives everything up to serve you, and so Lord, I am Yours."

Let me tell you, He sure has taken me up on it! The things He is teaching me, WOW! He is transforming my life, my ways, my behaviour, my attitude, and my thoughts. He's absolutely tearing me apart and putting me back together in a way that will glorify Him. He has been fervently teaching me to walk in the fruits of the Spirit, teaching me about prayer, and truly helping me to understand His word. He is teaching me the BE a Christian in mind, body, soul, and Spirit. He is breaking the walls, barriers, bondages, doubts, and fears, and replacing it with His reassurance and goodness and passion.

It is a beautiful process I am being taken through. And I'm still going through it. I still have tons to learn. It takes time to break bad habits and develop new good habits. But the change so far is evident. I see it. My parents see it. People see it. This weekend a bunch of ladies at my church retreat told me I have an amazing testimony, and I was like "what? me? I have a testimony?" I never thought of my life as a testimony. I've seen so many people giving their testimonies up on stage at church and always thought "I'll never have something special like that that can stir people up and touch their hearts." But this weekend I was shown that I was wrong. That that was also lie from the enemy.

There are no words to explain my thanks to God, for all that He is doing, and for the time He is taking to shape me and mold me into the person He desires me to be. All I could do that I know of is to continue loving Him and telling people about Him.

I am not the same person I was even a week ago.

Getting closer

I used to rely so much on having someone to talk to during the day, as in someone to text. I really just liked having someone to keep me company. And when I stopped talking to one person, I'd start with another. It's as if I wasn't okay being alone all day.

About 2 months ago I stopped that. Sure, I text here and there, but I no longer rely on people to make me happy or keep me company throughout the day. Instead, if I am feeling lonely, I talk to God, I read my Bible and/or Christian living books, or even listen to worship music. I bring those 3 things with me to school, just in case I get bored and feel like passing time.

Ever since I've started doing this I've felt such a deeper connection with God. I feel more complete. It feels good to put all my trust and hope and affection towards God. It is amazing to be free from the bondage of needing people, because honestly it was destroying my relationship with God. It seems so small, but when people take up time that deserves to be given to God, it affects you. Well, it affects me.

I can't thank God enough for answering my prayers. I ask him frequently to reveal to me things in my life that are taking the place of Him, and He always shows me new things that are actually huge that I never noticed before. Actually, I have also been asking for more Christian friends and it's like out of nowhere I am hanging out with people and find myself stopping for a moment to think "wow, how did I get here, sitting at a table with these amazing people talking about God?" because a few months ago I didn't even know them. He answers our prayers so subtly sometimes and then one day you realize everything for the answered prayer it is, and it's so overwhelming.

It's safe to say I'm in love.

The glory of His presence.

It makes me wonder, if people truly felt God, would it not change them? Would it not transform their hearts and mind? Would it not cause them to believe?

When I am in need concerning anything, I must only call him name and He is there. I am convinced that if people felt Him, felt the warmth of his presence, the tingling sensation running up and down their whole body, peace washing over them, and the utter contentment knowing He is there, that they would not be able to deny Him.

I do not believe in a dead God. My God is alive, and he listens, and he comforts. He is always there. I am not walking this life alone. In spirit, He is with me always. It is not something us Christians say as a metaphor. When we say He is there with us, it is real, so very real, and nothing feels better than to sit in His presence and acknowledge that the God of the universe is right there, sitting on the floor with me in my messy room. He cares not what I've done or will do, he cares not about my social status, the clothes I wear, the size I am, or the qualifications I have. He only wants me, all of me, as I am. He made me in the first place, and I am perfect to Him.

Have you ever been in love? Where all you do is think of that person and all the good things you want to do for them? How you want them to feel special and really know that they are loved? Like you'd do anything to be there for them at any time and any where and the worst thing in the world is watching them struggle and not letting you help them.

That is what God feels for us, but even stronger. Stronger than we could ever imagine. And in those moments on the floor in my messy room when He is there with me, I feel exactly that. I feel how much He loves me. It is undeniable. It's in those moments where I know that no matter what happens in my life, I want basque in the glory of His presence for the rest of my life.

I love Him.