Always will be

Making You my eveything has resulted in the most beautiful experiences I’ve ever had. I feel You with me everywhere I go and I know you’re as happy about this as I am. You’ve changed me completely…I’m a better person when I’m with You. I want to be in Your presence every minute of the day and it’s easier to resist temptations simply by keeping myself near to you. From everything that’s happened to me this past week I realize I’m starting to know what real love is all about. I’m Yours, Lord. I always will be.

Dear future husband,

If there's one piece of advice I'd give you, it would be this: don't be in a rush to find me. Yes, I too am very eager and excited to meet you, but I believe God has things for us to work out in our own lives before He brings us together.

Before we can be good together, we have to be good with God and God alone. Him alone should be enough for us, enough for our heart, spirit, and soul. We must not long or thirst for anything other than Jesus. What I want for both of us is for us to enter a level of intimacy with our beloved Jesus that no matter who or what comes into our lives, it will never take the place of Him. I don't want to complete you. I want God to complete you. I want God to fulfil you and validate you. I cannot do that for you, and I don't expect you to do it for me either. We will have our roles to play for each other, but validating each other is not one of them. That is a space only the Holy Spirit can fill. So let Him fill it.

I want you to know that I hope and pray every day that you seek Him above all else. I pray that you look to God for strength to overcome the struggles you go through, and that you turn to Him and never from Him. I fervently pray that the Holy Spirit mold you into the man of God that He desires you to be. I also pray all the time that I will be able to give you the things you need and love you in a way you will feel it and know it with complete confidence.

I do not know who you are yet, or where you are, or when we will be brought together, but I am not worried. I trust that whoever you are and wherever you are, God will bring us into each others lives in His perfect timing. Seek Him, and love Him. I will do the same. And I believe that when God sees we are good and ready, He will allow us to meet.

With loving affection,
Your future wife

My affections for God

Things that stir my affections for Jesus. These are things that when I do, hear, and/or partake in them, they widen my appreciation and love for God.

• Worship
• Prayer
• His presence
• Connecting with people
• Listening to a crowded room worship God
• Comfy blankets & perfect pillows
• The knowledge that Jesus loves me
• Speaking about Him
• People when they're vulnerable
• Coffee when I'm exhausted
• My puppy's joy dance when I get home
• Photography
• Creativity
• Puffy clouds
• Autumn
• Long heartfelt hugs
• People confiding in me
• Listening to sermons
• A good night of sleep
• Nature
• Animals

Things that rob my affections for Jesus. These are things that when I do, hear, and/or partake in them they hinder my relationship with God.

• Sin
• Watching television
• Worldly music
• Gossip
• Curse words
• Negative thoughts
• Choosing stuff over God
• Dwelling on negatives
• Not spending time with Him
• Mushrooms (lol jk)
• Trying to solve my own problems
• Worry and doubt
• Fear

There's much more than this, but these are all I could think of right now and they have recently been the main things that either edify or hinder me. Also, the idea to write this was inspired by Matt Chandler in this sermon in which he speaks about it "disciplined delights" at 35:15 minutes if you want to fast-forward it to watch that one part and understand better what he means.

God is up to something

I am overwhelmed. Completely and thoroughly overwhelmed by all that God is doing in my life. I never thought I'd be the girl who had potential to do something big for God. I never thought it was going to be me. My whole life I've bought into the lies of the enemy that I'm not good enough or strong enough or talented enough to be used greatly by God. I've been through so many changes in my life. I've been to the pit of brokenness and back. But this year topped it all. It has been the biggest battle of my life. It's been a good hard fight. It was time to get serious or accept defeat. So I got serious: I chose Jesus.

I remember one night I said to Him, "Lord, I don't want to be carnal Christian. I want to be one of the people that answers to your calling, that lives the life You have for me, that gives everything up to serve you, and so Lord, I am Yours."

Let me tell you, He sure has taken me up on it! The things He is teaching me, WOW! He is transforming my life, my ways, my behaviour, my attitude, and my thoughts. He's absolutely tearing me apart and putting me back together in a way that will glorify Him. He has been fervently teaching me to walk in the fruits of the Spirit, teaching me about prayer, and truly helping me to understand His word. He is teaching me the BE a Christian in mind, body, soul, and Spirit. He is breaking the walls, barriers, bondages, doubts, and fears, and replacing it with His reassurance and goodness and passion.

It is a beautiful process I am being taken through. And I'm still going through it. I still have tons to learn. It takes time to break bad habits and develop new good habits. But the change so far is evident. I see it. My parents see it. People see it. This weekend a bunch of ladies at my church retreat told me I have an amazing testimony, and I was like "what? me? I have a testimony?" I never thought of my life as a testimony. I've seen so many people giving their testimonies up on stage at church and always thought "I'll never have something special like that that can stir people up and touch their hearts." But this weekend I was shown that I was wrong. That that was also lie from the enemy.

There are no words to explain my thanks to God, for all that He is doing, and for the time He is taking to shape me and mold me into the person He desires me to be. All I could do that I know of is to continue loving Him and telling people about Him.

I am not the same person I was even a week ago.

The glory of His presence.

It makes me wonder, if people truly felt God, would it not change them? Would it not transform their hearts and mind? Would it not cause them to believe?

When I am in need concerning anything, I must only call him name and He is there. I am convinced that if people felt Him, felt the warmth of his presence, the tingling sensation running up and down their whole body, peace washing over them, and the utter contentment knowing He is there, that they would not be able to deny Him.

I do not believe in a dead God. My God is alive, and he listens, and he comforts. He is always there. I am not walking this life alone. In spirit, He is with me always. It is not something us Christians say as a metaphor. When we say He is there with us, it is real, so very real, and nothing feels better than to sit in His presence and acknowledge that the God of the universe is right there, sitting on the floor with me in my messy room. He cares not what I've done or will do, he cares not about my social status, the clothes I wear, the size I am, or the qualifications I have. He only wants me, all of me, as I am. He made me in the first place, and I am perfect to Him.

Have you ever been in love? Where all you do is think of that person and all the good things you want to do for them? How you want them to feel special and really know that they are loved? Like you'd do anything to be there for them at any time and any where and the worst thing in the world is watching them struggle and not letting you help them.

That is what God feels for us, but even stronger. Stronger than we could ever imagine. And in those moments on the floor in my messy room when He is there with me, I feel exactly that. I feel how much He loves me. It is undeniable. It's in those moments where I know that no matter what happens in my life, I want basque in the glory of His presence for the rest of my life.

I love Him.

God is bigger than your failure.

So you failed. You failed hard. You failed really hard. You are currently the worst you've ever been. You've strayed away from the you everyone knows, and became what you believe to be some kind of monster version of yourself. You lie, you cheat, you have so much anger and you act on it, you are involved in so much sin, you haven't spoken to God in at least a month.You're just out of control.

Yet all your family, all your friends, they have no idea. So they treat you like you're the best person in the world. They even come to you for advice. And deep down inside you hate yourself and you feel fake but you can't come clean because you cannot risk being judged by people you love. You want them to think good of you. You know you're good deep down, but you're just going through some messed up stuff right now.

You feel ashamed and guilty, you feel dirty. You feel like a mess. You want to talk to God, you want to be back in relationship with God but you don't even know how to get there anymore. You used to be doing so well, you and God were so close and you were so sensitive to his presence and his love. But now, you think "how do I even approach Him knowing what I've done?"

Well, I'm here to tell you that there is no condemnation for those who know Jesus. It says so right here in Romans 8 1-2:

There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death.

I'll break that down for you. There is no judgement for those who have salvation in Jesus. Before Jesus came and died for us, we were under the curse of the law which we see in the Old Testament which basically went like this: if you sinned, you'd have to sacrifice one of your best lambs and then ask for forgiveness and only then would God forgive you.

But then Jesus came in the picture and because He lived a perfect sinless life, he was the ultimate sacrifice that could ever be made on our behalf. He was perfect and innocent, and He took the fall for us, died a criminal's death....for us... And now because of that ANYTHING you do is paid for before God's eyes. You cannot be condemned for your sins, because Jesus already paid for them.

So even though you're ashamed of yourself and you see yourself as horrible, filthy, dirty... GOD sees you as perfect, blameless, spotless, clean, beautiful, and He absolutely adores you. And all he wants is for you to come back to Him so he could love on you and help you overcome all your fears and insecurities.

We run away from people who we think will judge us and not want us. That is not God. God is chasing after you begging you to just stop and turn to Him so he can show you that He doesn't want to judge you or condemn you, or hurt you, but to simply and wholeheartedly love you.

If you're in a mess, and you feel like you're in too deep. I can promise you that it's not too deep for God. He's already waiting, and the second you open your heart to Him, he's gonna be there with his hand out stretched waiting for you take it so he can guide you back on the right path.

Releasing the past.

Today was not a good day, to say the least. I am a combination of many emotions but hurt and anger are the most dominant.

I recently started restoring my relationship with God, and I’ve been so happy about it. I don’t want to ever go back to that place where the second something bad happens, I become too overwhelmed to pray. I don’t know why people do that, when we need God the most, we push Him away the most. It’s weird. But this time, through my situation I want to stay close to Him and allow him to comfort me. It’s not as easy as just doing it. It takes a lot of effort to let God in. To put away my frustrations and just give them up to Him.

Sometimes I desire to hold onto the things that have hurt me, because they’re mine, and they define what happened to me, and giving them away is scary because it means I no longer have an excuse to wallow in my grief when I’m not having a good day.

I have come to learn that it takes courage to give your troubles to God, and allow him to replace it with peace and joy. It harder to be happy, because you have to choose it. You have to choose to move on, and you have to never look back. But I’ve also learned that God takes care of us. He wants to be there for us and get us to trust Him enough so that we give up our pains and heartaches to him so he could give us a better life, one full of joy and laughter and peace.

So I’m giving up these feelings of hurt and anger that have completely consumed me today. I’m releasing them, and by doing so, I will allow God to fulfill me with Him instead. And it doesn’t mean I will never think of the things that I’m letting go of, but when I do think of them they will not have the power to hurt me or make me angry anymore.

Love loves

Love is not something that ends. It just doesn’t. If you truly love someone, it never goes away. Even when they’ve moved on to new relationships, you still love them. Even if they push you away, you love them. When they reject you, you still love them.

All that because when you love someone, you have to learn how to love them right, how they need you to love them. Love is about being there in any and every way that person needs you. It is not dependent on what you receive in return. Love simply loves, period.

I mean, that's how God is with us, isn't it? So shouldn't that be how we are with others?

expectation

"What can I expect if I become a Christian?"

Oh wow, what a question that is. You know, some answers you may get to that might make you want to run away... and to be truthful, I really really dislike some of the answers I've seen to that question in the past.

I've heard how Christians are expected to do this, this, this and that. How we're expected to live a good Godly life, to be an example. That we're expected to have THIS opinion on THAT topic and no questions asked or else you can get up and leave right now.

Well you know what I think you can expect from being a Christian?!

"Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed, says the Lord, who has compassion on you." - Isaiah 54:10

You can expect to be LOVED!! You will be fiercely loved! You will be loved by Jesus with adoration, and you will be taken care of, and you will be FORGIVEN!!

Now that's beautiful!!! God doesn't expect anything from us! He just wants us to believe in Him and appreciate the sacrifice His son Jesus made on that cross for you! That's all he wants. And it is only when we choose God and fall in love Him that we naturally become like Him. It is then that we live according to the way Jesus lived. GOD'S LOVE and Holy Spirit that comes IN US is what causes us to BE CHRIST-LIKE.

And don't get me wrong, you should live a good Godly life... but the thing is, God's love is not dependent on that. Living a good life should come naturally if you claim to be a genuine Christian. It says that plainly in John 14:15: "If you love Me, you will keep My commandments." And a little further along in verse 21 it continues to say "Those who accept my commandments and obey them are the ones who love me. And because they love me, my Father will love them. And I will love them and reveal myself to each of them."

trials

I think when it comes to trials that we go through we ultimately have two choices. You can either choose to humble yourself and rely on God, or you can choose to get mad and push him away.

Up until last year, I'd always push him away, and as a result I would find myself so far from God I barely knew who He was anymore. I believe we go through every situation in order to grow and I believe God gives us tests in order to see how much he can trust us with, how mature we are, how much we can handle, etc. But he doesn't do it in a bad way at all, He tests us to help mold us into who we are meant to be, and to help us build our faith.

It's only in the past year that I've really committed myself fully to God. Where I chose that through thick and thin I will never leave Him, that I will always turn to Him and never against Him. As a result of that, there is an intimacy I've never felt before. There is a trust between us, a bond. It's a beautiful relationship. And as a result of my faithfulness He gives me more, blesses me more, and I am able to receive His love in larger quantities and quality.

Pushing God away is the worst thing you can do, because what are you without Him? He is everything, which makes you nothing without Him. No matter what you're going through, whatever difficult decision lies before you, whatever sin you're living in that you hate yourself for... none of that is a good enough reason to push him away. It's actually all the more reason to draw closer to Him. He wants you. He wants every bit of you, He wants to be the one you count on and the first one you tell when something good or bad happens to you. He wants a relationship with you. He never judges you, never hurts you, always forgives you, always loves you, always comforts you, always looks after you, and He holds your future in the palm of His hands.

"Look at the birds. They don't plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren't you far more valuable to him than they are?" - Matthew 6:26

So, why do we turn from Him? It is human nature I guess, we inevitably let emotions take control of us. You must train yourselves to choose God every time. It's going to be hard, you're going to want to give up sometimes and it's going to take a lot of faith to continue seeking God through your hardships.

But once you do make the choise to lean on Him, your life will be changed. Forever. So turn to Him. Choose Him under any circumstance. He is waiting to love on you. You just have to let him.

"No power in the sky above or in the earth below--indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord." - Romans 8:39

purpose

I don't like the message of love Hollywood gives in movies, books, and music, etc. As if without that certain person we love our life would not be worth living. The song that brought this topic to my attention was Bruno Mars' song "It Will Rain":

If you ever leave me, baby,
Leave some morphine at my door
'Cause it would take a whole lot of medication
To realize what we used to have,
We don't have it anymore.

There's no religion that could save me
No matter how long my knees are on the floor
So keep in mind all the sacrifices I'm makin'
To keep you by my side
To keep you from walkin' out the door.

'Cause there'll be no sunlight
If I lose you, baby
There'll be no clear skies
If I lose you, baby
Just like the clouds
My eyes will do the same, if you walk away
Everyday it'll rain

Love is not obsessive, it is not unhealthy. That is why we cannot allow people to be our validation. Your significant other should not determine your worth. If you make someone your world, your everything, you'll surely fall apart if they ever leave you. People are human, we make mistakes, we can't handle such responsibility. We are not able to hold a person's worth in the palm of our hands and promise not to destroy it, and it's unfair to put that on someone's shoulders.

God is the only one who has the capacity and ability to fill the void and satisfy the longing in your heart. God is the only one who NEVER will leave you. God can take that responsibility. He can hold you up and make you strong. We need Him, and living without him, without his love, is compromising the life we were made to live. We were made to be loved by God. We all want God and crave his never ending unconditional love. Some people may never realize it's actually God they are searching for rather than their spouse or career, or their "purpose"... God is your purpose. And it's so heartbreaking to me that people will look everywhere except to God to find it.

I think Hollywood takes that desire we have and puts its own spin on it, claiming you find it in another person, or in things like money and sex. I believe everything Hollywood stands for and presents to us in any form of media goes against the Christian church. But it's so subtle. The Bible says the world is against us and that the devil will do everything to misguide people, and that people will believe it.

I just think people should be cautious with what they allow to influence them, and be aware of what subtle subliminal messages are being sent to us through the things we watch and listen to.

God is love. If you put your trust in Him, you will find happiness.

dating

I don't know what it is with people these days who just go out and date anyone they find themselves attracted to. I really don't get it. To me, if you are going to date someone, they have to have at least some of the qualities you would look for in a future spouse. What is the point of going out with someone if you have zero intention of anything long-term?

The world will try and tell you that you should just go with the flow and date around and see what happens but I really don't believe in that. I think everything you do, every decision you make, should be prayed about and only when God's will is in line with your heart's desire should you take a step forward into a relationship.

forgiveness

I’ve come to this point where what I realized had me left in awe of the goodness and love and graciousness of God.

No one is hopeless. Even when they’ve done horrible things, hurt people they loved, hurt themselves, hurt God… even if they’ve been to jail for murder. They are not hopeless in God’s eyes. What human can give out that kind of love and forgiveness? Who but God has the capacity for that much love?

I just feel so bad for people who truly believe they are worthless and hate themselves for the things they’ve done…people who are on the brink of suicide because they think they will never be forgiven. If only they knew that God forgives maybe they would regain faith in themselves, faith in God.

There was once a famous Atheist lady who said “What I envy most about you Christians is your forgiveness; I have nobody to forgive me.”

And just that, I believe, speaks volumes. Everyone wants to be forgiven.. And there is a God who forgives ALL things if only we ask, even the things that we humans cannot imagine ever forgiving someone for.

potential

I never wanted you to feel alone, or unloved, or unwanted… It has always made me sad to think that you believe these things about yourself. I see you so much better than you see yourself. I see so much potential in you. Potential that you could fulfill if only you chose to believe me when I tell you you’re worth it. You deserve goodness, and love, and loyalty. I know happiness seems like a distant memory to you, but you could have it back. You simply must choose it.

God's great love

There is something you must know. God loves you. He loves you so much. More than anyone you know can ever love you. And He loves you as you are right now. Your insecurities are irrelevant. There is no condition on His love. Whether you’re overweight or underweight, sick, handicapped, or healthy, successful or unsuccessful, a loner or popular, have a high or low IQ, whether you’re average looking or attractive… He loves you 100%.

There is NOTHING you can do to make him love you more or less. He loves you completely and fully right now, as you are. And the truth is all He wants is for you to let Him love you. It hurts God when you reject Him, not because he needs you, but because He knows how much you need Him and His unending, unfailing, unconditional love.

He is waiting, and he’ll wait until the day you die. There is always hope. No one is hopeless. No body. No matter what you’ve done. To God, everything is forgivable, and everyone is loveable. Choose Him and know that He has already chosen you.

LOVE God for real

If you say you're a Christian and live your life the same way you did before you became a Christian, then how can you say your heart is in it, and how can you say you're a Christian if you live like you don't even know God?

Loving God means desiring a relationship with him, and maintaining that relationship. It means refraining from participating in anything that takes you away from Him simply because you love him, not because you're forced to. It means loving Him for real. Not just believing in His existence.

love, care, pray

There's going to be some people you meet in your life that you have an inexplicable burden for. A soft, gentle, but intense, and unrelenting compassion. You'll do anything for them, be anything they need. You will be the best support system they've ever had, their biggest fan, and the best friend they've ever known... but for some reason you find that they are non-responsive.

I've known many people like this. I've felt this way about various people. I've been that person to care, multiple times. And after a while I've started to realize that, you can care for them and love them so much but at some point if they continue to push you away... let them. Let them go, let them live. But never stop loving them. Never stop praying for them. Care from a distance, because maybe that's exactly what they need.

No prayer is in vain. God hears everything. And God wants to help your friend even more than you do... so He will. And it's not up to you or to God to make your friend accept His help. All you can do is love and care and pray.

research

I encourage people to educate themselves on what's going on in the world. Research before forming an opinion. Do not assume anything. Don't believe something just because everyone else does. Or don't overlook something just because everyone else does. Pay attention to what you're listening to and what you're watching. You never know what or who you're supporting until you look deeper into the hidden meanings of their work.

truth

If we all search for truth and find it, then in the end we should all believe the same thing, for there is only one Truth.

secrets

I like how from the first time I spoke to you, like really spoke to you, I trusted you instantly. There was no need to convince myself, and definitely no reasons to doubt you. I just felt empathy radiating from your very core and I knew that you'd keep my secrets safe and that you knew I'd do the same with yours.